Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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