does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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