i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
