i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
