I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
