after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize