I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
birth control should be required to get into college
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
