I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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