All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
