I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
