i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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