My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
