Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
