Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
