i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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