no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
