i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
