***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
