Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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