exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
