I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
