Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
