**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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