Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We left the knife in your bed.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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