I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
accomplished twins. life is a go
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
