I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
