I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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