You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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