just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
