Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
