im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
