the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
