youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
