I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Too much gin, very little bucket
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
