We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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