The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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