I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
