dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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