So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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