My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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