Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
