Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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