I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
