My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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