you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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