Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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