Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Best friends brother. Beat that.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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