My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
did i just pee glitter
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