Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
