that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
