So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
