no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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