i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
