Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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