Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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