when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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