Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
