He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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