I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize