Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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